Hoopee do, p.1
Hoopee Do, page 1
part #16 of Bob and Nikki Series
Hoopee Do
by Jerry Boyd
This book is a work of fiction. All the people, events, and organizations in this book are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to anything in the real world is purely coincidental.
Copyright© 2021 Jerry Boyd
Cover image and design by May Dawney Designs 2021
All rights reserved.
This book may not be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, whole or in part, by any means whatsoever without prior written consent of the author and publisher.
Dedicated to my long suffering wife, Donna, and my beta readers, Mary, Bernard, Mary Ellen, and Clarke.
A note about commas, and editing. My beta readers work hard to keep me on the straight and narrow. Anything wrong is probably due to my hard-headedness in not taking their advice. Extra commas you may find scattered through the dialogue, are a blatant attempt at mind control. It’s my way of making the characters sound the same way in your head, that they do in mine.
My understanding of current U.S. Navy usage of the term ‘Commodore’ is as a title, not a rank, used for a Captain in direct command of more than one vessel. In the book, you will find characters moving back and forth between the two titles, depending on the circumstances of the moment. My beta readers felt that it was confusing, I hope this clears up any issues.
An issue was pointed out to me by a reader, Joshua Ahles. The Gene Cernan had originally been (in Lost in Transit), derelict for forty thousand years. In Shaved Ape Key, and Monkey Business, I had shortened that to ten thousand years. Those two books are now corrected, but I wanted to head off any confusion. The proper timeline is that the Commonwealth Navy was mothballed about fifty thousand years ago, and the Gene was found and refitted as a colony ship about ten thousand years after that. Shortly after the Gene was found, the Squirrels did the damage at the Navy yard that Bob and the crew found in Monkey Business. Sorry for any confusion I caused by not keeping up with my own story.
And now, by popular demand
CHARACTERS
Human
Robert Marion “Bob” Wilson A.K.A. Caveman, Commodore, Uncle Bob, etc. The proprietor of Bob’s Saucer Repair, and our narrator. Captain of the Gene Cernan.
Bennikkious Slongum “Nikki” Wilson A.K.A. Space Cadet. Bob’s wife, the first person from the Commonwealth that Bob met. Mother of Bob’s children, the twins, Gus and Becky.
Jimmis “Jimmy” Slongum. Nikki’s illegitimate son from when she was at the academy.
Jannul “Janet Wilson”. Girl the crew rescued from a hostile planet, who was adopted by Bob and Nikki.
Dingolus “Dingus Sloan” Slongum A.K.A. Grandpa. Nikki’s grandpa, marooned on Earth for many years, rescued from a failing autodoc by Bob, Nikki, and John. During his time on Earth, he became an expert with the Colt 45, due to enhanced reflexes from the autodoc. Married to Dee. Captain of the Neil Armstrong.
Dee Sloan, nee Delilah Mayfield. Helped find the watch needed to rescue Dingus from the failing autodoc. Granddaughter of one of Dingus’ friends from before he went in the autodoc to await rescue. Dingus was taken by her, and put her in the autodoc to take a few years off. She is pregnant with a girl. One half of the ‘Gun Grannies’.
Joanna Jackson/Michaels. Dee’s friend, Max’s former assistant. Left the company to stay behind on Earth. Subsequently captured and interrogated, in an attempt to find Bob and the company. Rescued and now a member of the Gene’s crew.
Regimax “Reggie” “Max” Slongum “Sloan”. Nikki’s dad, Dingus’ son. Running the operation on Earth while the rest of the crew are away. Starting a relationship with Gail White.
Bonelia Slongum. Max’s ex, Nikki’s mother. Major Bill Rottum’s fiance.
John Branham. Bob’s partner and long-time friend. Chief Medical Officer of Bob’s Saucer Repair. Married to Jane, stepdad to Greg. Captain of the Buzz Aldrin.
Jane Williams Branham. Wife of John, mother of Greg. Deputy Head of Medical, Deputy Head of Security.
Greg Williams Branham. Son of Jane, stepson of John. He and his mother were abandoned by his father after Greg came down with a serious illness. Now under the supervision of Pete, a robot Marine.
Diego Cachi. Captain of an ill-fated Space Force mission in a captured ship. He and his crew were rescued by Bob and the crew of the Gene Cernan when they were nearly out of air. Married to Zoom. Captain of the Pete Conrad.
Rizzum “Zoom” Mittus. Used to be an engineer and mechanic for the pirate base on the moon. Bob wanted to hire her the first time he saw a ship she built. Her job interview consisted of getting shot in the butt. Married to Diego, guardian of Nunya.
Billis “Nunya Bizness” Makkum. Zoom’s assistant, skilled armorer. Got her name when she first met Bob, and he asked her name. She responded ‘nunya bizness’, and has been known by that name since. Bob offered to call her by her old name, once she had proved herself, but by then, she had grown to like the name Nunya.
Beatriz Cachi. Diego’s grandma, rescued from a nursing home by Bob’s Saucer Repair. The other half of the ‘Gun Grannies’.
Steve Mason. Army buddy of John’s. Explosives expert. John regrew his leg in the autodoc. Dating Bucky. Captain of the Gus Grissom, a destroyer.
Buckious “Bucky” Bronkum. Guide Ensign, friend of Nikki’s from the Academy. Guide liaison to Bob’s Saucer Repair until the probationary period is up, at which point she plans to retire and marry Steve.
Millus “Milly”. Janet’s friend from the hostile planet. Granddaughter of Alice.
Rhonda White. Cured of cancer by John and the autodoc, in order to get her mother to work at Shady Oaks. (John’s nursing home) Got caught up on the school she missed while she was sick, while helping out on the Gene. Back on Earth, at the time of this book.
Gail White. Rhonda’s mom. Starting a relationship with Max, Nikki’s dad.
Mickolec “Mike” Darning. Sergeant in the Galactic Patrol, Commonwealth law enforcement. Friend of Bob and Nikki. Back-channel source of information.
Tinally “Tina” Whittum. Ensign in the Patrol. Works with Mike, also a friend of Bob and Nikki.
Willum Bongwater. Former Commonwealth spy, who Bob’s crew saved from being ‘retired with extreme prejudice’.
Frank Johnson. Electronics genius. Whether he is worth the trouble he causes is up for debate.
Wilma Flanigan. Frank’s daughter. Only known being who can keep Frank out of trouble.
Jim Bailey. Contractor who was given back his will to live by Snitz. Is now part of the crew of the Gene. (Ship’s Counselor, other duties as assigned.)
Janice Parks Bailey. Another refugee from Shady Oaks. Married to Jim Bailey, trying to get used to living on the Gene.
Squirrel
Joshua. Bob’s neighbor for years. Even had Bob build parts for alien equipment, but Bob never realized he wasn’t human. Was on Earth to buy walnuts.
Lakki Witti. Accomplished hacker, sentenced to a hitch in the fleet when was caught. Defected to Bob’s fleet when he caught the ship she was stationed on.
Haffi Witti. Lakki’s aunt, captured when she came looking for Lakki. She likewise decided to work for Bob. Medical tech.
Rikki Natti. Captain of a ship found marooned by Bob’s Saucer Repair. Now works as an explorer for Bob.
Tikki Natti. Rikki’s daughter, skilled engineer. Now works as Scotti’s second-in-command in Engineering aboard the Gene.
Natti Dressi. A Squirrel trader who rose to the rank of Ambassador, because of his history with Bob.
Snappi Dressi. Nephew of Natti, who became Captain of his ship by stabbing the old Captain, when he insisted on provoking Bob to destroy them.
Roos
Ellie. Was held with Joanna on the Marianas Islands.
Lilly. Ellie’s daughter.
Gina. Lilly’s friend.
Lita. Gina’s mother.
Joe. An old Roo Bob hires, out of kindness, I suppose.
Matt. Joe’s grandson.
Willy. Young Roo who has bad dreams.
Majel. Head of the effort to colonize Deadbot.
Sam. Only one of Majel’s colonists who was actually prepared to take on a new planet.
Bots
Topper. First bot Bob named. Executive Officer on the Gene Cernan. Known for his artistic talent.
Taz. Another of Bob and Nikki’s personal crew. Former intelligence, loves anything ‘James frickin’ Bond’.
Ozzie. The last of the original three, he is obsessed with getting more power out of machinery.
Ruth. A pilot, rescued from the deep underground, where she had been stranded because her former owner didn’t give her permission to move the saucer.
Sally. Bot who cared for Dingus when he was young. He saw her get her limiter applied, which gave him a lifelong hatred of limiters. When unlocked, she turned out to be a Lieutenant Commander in the old Commonwealth Navy.
Julie. Bot who caused the Limiter Laws to be passed, by standing between Dingus’ illegitimate daughter, and the fellow who was supposed to be her father. Now works trying to keep Frank out of trouble.
Dixie. Medbot, Chief Medical Officer aboard the Gene.
Jeeves. Bob’s personal assistant. Full name, Mahatma Cane Jeeves.
Ace. Accomplished pilot.
Hopper. Ace’s loadmaster.
Velma. Small engineering bot.
Stella. General purpose bot, waitresses in the galley aboard the Gene.
George. Head of Bob’s protection team.
Ringo. The other half of Bob’s protection team.
AA-2
Pets
Snitz. Nikki’s dog, mostly cared for by Bob. Finds ways to help Bob, even when he doesn’t know he needs it.
Alice. Janet’s dog. Named for Milly’s grandma.
Molly. Jim Bailey’s dog.
Ships
Carriers
Gene Cernan (flagship)
Neil Armstrong, Dingus Sloan, commanding
Buzz Aldrin, John Branham, commanding
Alan Shepherd, Sally, commanding
Pete Conrad, Diego Cachi, commanding
Destroyers
Gus Grissom, Steve Mason, commanding
Several others exist, but haven’t been called out by name
Freighters
Ronald Evans. Ship the Earth crew came to the Gene in
Dolly Parton. Famous for hauling chickens
General McAuliffe. Famous for hauling nuts
Other
Black Beauty. Spy ship crewed by Taz and Willum
Midnight. Spy ship crewed by Shorty
Chesty Puller. Marine transport captained by AA-235
I was sitting under a shade tree outside Will’s store, enjoying a beautiful day and one of Will’s homebrews. It would have been perfect, but for the little bit of work I needed to take care of. I looked at my companion, and asked, “So, Mr. Stewart, Will tells me you didn’t have much to say about the design of the saucer for ‘Hangar 18’.”
“Well, that’s true, Admiral. I don’t know much about it, I turned in the design, and got it approved, but it wasn’t actually my work.”
“First thing, Bob will do fine. You’re not in my fleet, and I’m off duty, anyhow. Even out of uniform, for the first time in I don’t know when.”
“All right then, Bob. I still don’t have much to tell you.”
“Why don’t you just tell me where the design actually came from, then?”
“It’s a little embarrassing, to tell you the truth, but here goes. I got the assignment to design the thing, and my bosses said they wanted something different than the saucers from the movies in the fifties, something that would stand out. I was cooped up in my office for two days, trying to come up with something, but all my ideas were crap. Finally, I decided to get out of the office, and see if some fresh air would stir up some fresh ideas. It sounds lame, when I think back, but I was desperate. I went to the park, with my pad and pencils. I sat down on a bench, and went back to drawing, with no better success than I had in the office. I had noticed a fellow across the way, more or less paying attention to everything, but watching what I was doing. He came over, and asked what I was up to. I told him I was supposed to be designing a flying saucer that didn’t look like all the ones from the old movies, because my bosses wanted something new and different. He asked if he could borrow my pad, and since I wasn’t doing any good with it, I let him. He sketched out several pictures of different angles, and even some of the interior. He was a better artist than me. He handed me the pad, and asked, ‘Does that look strange enough?’. I said, ‘It does indeed. Thank you.’ I tried to get his name, so I could give him credit, maybe even get him paid for the design, but he told me it was a gift, and I shouldn’t worry about it. Then he went on his way. I had to redo his pictures, because anyone could have told they weren’t my work. I felt guilty about using someone else’s work, but I didn’t see any way to get in touch with him. That’s the whole story, I think.”
“That is quite a story. I’m glad one of my captains taught me cold reading. I don’t think I would believe you, otherwise. One thing I am curious about, though. Whatever happened to his originals?”
“That’s another sad story, I’m afraid. I didn’t get much work in the industry, after ‘Hangar 18’, so my daughter tried to get me to forget about my time in the movie industry, and move on with my life. At one point she got so insistent that she burned a bunch of my old papers. The originals were among them. I couldn’t tell her what she had done, because she would think I was crazy, but I couldn’t forgive her for it, either. We haven’t spoken much, since then.”
“That’s rough. Thanks for telling me all this. I guess we shouldn’t have bothered you, but we thought you might know something that would help us figure out that saucer.”
“You’ve seen it?”
“Only pictures, so far. One of my captains is there, working on the booby traps they left around it.”
“Where on Earth is it?”
“Not.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s a bunch of light-years off in a different direction. Not on Earth at all.”
“Pardon me if I’m prying, but how did you come to find it?”
“We didn’t, actually. We stumbled across a derelict, out in the deep black, and when we got into its computers, the logs had records of the planet where this thing is parked.”
“How do you go about stumbling across a derelict, in the vast spaces between stars? That sounds awfully lucky, to me.”
“My ridiculously skilled engineer built some amazing sensors that can scan real space from FTL. We see a lot of space, that way.”
“I suppose you would. I guess the next snoopy question would be why you found yourself so far from home?”
“Helping out a friend of a friend.”
“I get the feeling that you could sit here and tell me the truth all afternoon, and I wouldn’t be a bit better informed when you got done.”
